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HOW TO FAIL AT BEING A CHRISTIAN

One of the fastest and easiest ways to fail at being a Christian is to expect other people to do all the work for you. Yes, Jesus had to do the heavy lifting to get the show on the road, but it’s done now, and the rest is up to us. But who needs all that hassle? Life is hard enough as it is. Having faith takes too much effort; believing beyond the witness of your eyes just spins your head around. And Jesus already did everything for us and forgave us all our sins, so what does it matter what I do, if I’m once-saved-always-saved? I’m going to Heaven regardless, right? That’s what mainstream churchianity tells me. It makes much more sense to believe what most people believe (rather than scripture) and to rely on the witness of my own two eyes. That’s a classic way to fail at being a Christian.

Have a problem? Go to a minister or a pastor or a Christian counsellor. Talk to a priest. That will guarantee that you’ll fail at being a Christian, because Jesus told us to go to God with our problems, not to people. As born-again followers of Jesus, we have a direct line of communication with God and Jesus through God’s Holy Spirit. But don’t use that, no, go to a person instead. That’s a great way to fail at being a Christian.

Another sure-fire way to fail is to wallow in your sin. Forget about repentance, forget about choosing to forgive before you take your prayers to God. Who has time for that? If you want to fail spectacularly at being a Christian, do a Catholic-style repentance, which is to recite vain repetitions a dozen times, and you’re good to go. Congratulations – you’ve failed at being a Christian! As for forgiving, all you have to do is say you’ve forgiven someone for something they did, and then the next day throw it back in their face. You can do that over and over and over again. And while you’re doing it, don’t forget to tell others about what that person did to you, in all its gory detail, and definitely don’t forget to follow up with a comment about how you’ve forgiven that person. You’re not going to fail at being a Christian unless you claim to have forgiven someone, but by your words and actions show that you haven’t.

Failing at being a Christian comes especially easy when you’re in a group of like-minded people. Make sure they’re nominal Christians who take their cue from the world, not from God. You can drink with them, curse with them, fool around with them (wink wink), do drugs with them, watch porn with them – heck, you can do whatever you want with them, because doing what feels good is one of the best ways to fail at being a Christian.

Jesus told us that our road would be hard during our time on Earth, and that if the world persecuted him, they’d persecute us, too. But who wants to be persecuted? What kind of a life goal is that? It’s much better to fail at being a Christian by always choosing the comfortable way rather than the right way, and by taking movie stars and athletes and YouTube pastors as your models rather than Jesus. If you want to enjoy a whole lifetime of failing at being a Christian, make sure you get a well-paying job with good benefits and a pension, make sure you marry and have kids, make sure you buy a house and a car and have a big investment portfolio, and make sure you confine “being a Christian” to one hour a week on Sundays and the occasional religious holiday. In other words, make sure you live your life totally opposite to how Jesus lived his. Be like most Christians rather than like Jesus. Do that, and I guarantee you that you’ll successfully fail at being a Christian right up until the day you die.

And then, my friend, you’ll get the eternal reward that you deserve.