HALIFAX, Nova Scotia, August 25, 2024 – Jesus was brutal when it came to relationships. While he exemplified Paul’s advice to be “at peace” with everyone, he also didn’t hold back when it came to drawing a line between those who did God’s will and those who didn’t. Those who did God’s will Jesus considered not only to be the same as “family” but his actual family, whereas those who didn’t do God’s will were not at all his family, even though they might be his blood relatives.

Like Jesus and Paul, we’re also to be at peace with everyone as much as possible while at the same time understanding who our real family is. Our loyalty is, of course, first and foremost to God, as Jesus taught us it should be. Nothing and no-one should hold a more important place in our lives than our Heavenly Father. If we get that right, everything else will follow as it should. If we don’t get that right, we’ll be floundering and confused.

Who are our friends and who are our foes can be a thorny issue for born-again believers. In this, like in everything else we do, we need to take our cue from Jesus. Who were Jesus’ friends? How did he interact with them? Who are our friends? Are our friends also friends of Jesus? If not, why are we friends with them?

Being at peace with everyone implies being reasonably friendly with everyone (or at least not unnecessarily combative) though not necessarily friends. Our sole friends should be friends of Jesus. In this, there needs to be zero compromise. If we have people in our life who are not friends of Jesus, they can’t be our friends. We can be friendly with people who are not friends of Jesus, but we can’t be friends with them. How can we be friends with someone who hates or mocks or is non-committal towards Jesus? We betray Jesus if we count as friends those who reject him.

The same goes for family members. You should not be emotionally close to blood relatives who are not friends with Jesus. Although Paul talks about how a spouse who is a believer shouldn’t leave a spouse who is not a believer if the unbelieving spouse wants to remain in the marriage, I respectfully disagree with this teaching and I believe Jesus does, too. Specifically, Jesus says that if you don’t hate (and he uses that term purposefully) – if you don’t “hate” your blood relatives and your spouse – that is, unbelieving blood relatives and spouses – you’re not worthy of him.

What does Jesus mean by hate? I believe he means precisely what he says. Hate is an extreme aversion that is visceral (i.e., it occurs at the gut or instinctual level) and cannot be overridden or appeased. Those who hate Jesus do so because the spirits in them hate Jesus. In other words, their hatred of Jesus betrays the kind of spirits that inhabit them. We born-again believers have God’s Holy Spirit in us, which is why we love God and Jesus and hate the spirits of the world. We don’t have to work at loving God and Jesus and hating the world, we just do so by default. Conversely, those who don’t have God’s Spirit in them don’t have to work at hating God and Jesus and loving the world, they just do so by default. Living intimately with people who reject all that is good and holy is not spiritually healthy for you, and if it’s not spiritually healthy for you, it will also cause problems in other areas of your life.

We cannot be friends with those who hate God and Jesus. It’s just not possible. If you’re friends with those who hate God and Jesus, you’re putting someone else ahead of God, which is breaking the first and most important Commandment. “Well”, you say, “how else are my worldly ‘friends’/blood relatives/spouse going to hear about Jesus unless I tell them about him?” Short answer: You can spend time with people who are not friends of Jesus, but they cannot be your friend.

Spending time with someone is not the same as being a friend. Friendship implies loyalty and a deep level of trust that spawns a deep level of emotional intimacy and a mutual sharing of confidences. This scenario cannot and should not occur between those who have God’s Holy Spirit in them and those who harbour spirits of the world. Sharing confidences with those who hate God and Jesus is the same as giving away state secrets to the enemy: It’s spiritual treason. Worldly people may flatter you into thinking you’re their friend, but what’s inside them hates what’s inside you. That is a spiritual fact. How can you be friends with such a soul? Sooner or later, they’ll betray you, and in betraying you show you precisely who they serve.

You will ultimately lose spiritually and every other way if you maintain a close relationship with those who reject God, no matter how loving they may appear toward you on the surface. Again, I’m not suggesting that you should be unnecessarily combative with those who are guided by and serve the spirits of the world; day-to-day life would be intolerable for us if we did that. Taking our cue from Jesus, we’re to treat others as we would want to be treated but save our confidences and closeness for God, Jesus, and genuine born-again believers – that is, for our real family.